Question by b-chan: Problem With Future Mother-in-law at our Wedding?
Due to space limits I can’t include all the details I would like. But I was living with my fiancee’s family and yesterday they kicked me out. All because on Christmas Day I did not hug his mom goodbye. Even though she didn’t hug me when I first came in nor did my fiancee’ hug her hello/goodby either.
So I told my fiancee’ that they were not welcome in my home(it’s being built and is almost finished) or at my wedding. He was fine with that but not about me excluding his mom.
This is going to cause a problem because I feel like while it was his step-father that made the decision she played a part in it as well. That she needs to realize she could have spoken up about this instead of keeping quiet. In fact by keeping quiet it makes me think she agrees with him. and who wants that kind of person around them? She’s done numerous terrible things to her childern so I don’t understand why my fiancee’ is being like this. I’m very worried this may end with the wedding being cancelled
We are planning to talk this over. Because I don’t want any resentment on either of our sides. But he does not have a good relationship with his mother. She has never been there for him while me and my family has. I was thinking of possibly compromising and allowing her to attend the wedding and not the reception. But she gets away with this all the time and that’s what aggravates me.
And I am not a touchy person. I go for days not talking to my own parents. Why the hell would I hug a person I’m not very comfortable with.
I am worried because Dave is severly lacking in the support area. He is terrible at giving me support when I’ve supported him many times and I have told him this. I’ve decided that I will stick to my guns on this issue because if I don’t lord knows what’ll happen later on in our marriage.
And yes, the step-father use to beat him and his brother’s and is an alcholic. That’s why Dave has no problem with him not coming around us. But his mother denies Dennis ever beat them and fooled the social worker when she came to look at him and his twin brother.
I’d like to be the “bigger person” here but honestly where do you draw the line? Oh it’s okay to let your husband kick your future daughter in law out the house for something she doesn’t even do to do you and expect everything to be all okay? No it doesn’t work like that. I feel I was the bigger person by not making a fuss and actually leaving the house as soon as I got off work to go and pick up my stuff.
Best answer:
Answer by Lady Jay
well if mom never said anything to you then you cant really be mad with her but you should try to talk to her reg the issue and see what you can up with if see does not agree and you do not want to invite her to you wedding don’t and explain to you future husband why you made that decision if he does not agree with you you have to remember that you will have to deal with this man and his mom as long as you guys are together so make your choice wisely (hopefully everything will be OK good luck and congratulations )
What do you think? Answer below!
He’s being like that becasue despite how bad his mother is men have problems pushing away the first woman in their lives (Freudian Psychology). Also the mom had no right to be like that to you. Does she have issues with you?
Tell your future hubby that he needs to stand up for you, if he can’t do that to his own parents then will he even defend you to strangers?
In my own experience, weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. If there was some sort of underlying conflict before, it may well emerge coming up to a wedding, and get uglier along the way.
At this point, there seem to be a lot of moves made in anger, and that’s understandable. But for this to slow down enough that repairs to relationships can be made, or to at least stop from getting worse, someone needs to make a rational, positively-executed maneuver. Now ask yourself this: are my future in-laws the ones to do this?
My guess is no.
Getting kicked out of their house for such a small infraction seems harsh, presuming there was no other prior incidents. You may feel justified in saying these people aren’t welcome at your home, and that’s something you have to decide.
I would still invite your future in-laws to your wedding, but you may want to limit their numbers. This can be done by not allowing dates, and keeping it to only immediate family. I’d also limit their role in the wedding to something minimal, to make sure they don’t make waves.
The most important thing, though, is to make sure your fiance is 100% supportive of you. You’re also going to have to get him to do some of the dirty work himself. His family may think this is all your doing, and that you’re robbing them of their son. It’s important that he asserts himself to his family, with you absent, so he can break free of them, and prove that these decisions were his own.
This won’t be an easy process, and it may take years to see it through. I wish you the best of luck; remember to try to stay calm and rational through it all, avoid saying things in anger, and hang up the phone or leave if things get too dicey.
1st consider yourself lucky that you’re seeing this side of her now. Second, you need to decide if this is the way you want your life to be – because it will not get better – it will only get worse. If others in the family are having trouble with her – chances are you are next. Sit down with your fiance and discuss the situation. If he is not willing to discuss it (and/or compromise), you need to reassess your reasons for getting married. You will also need to realize that this IS his mom and that is a very strong bond. You have to be willing to compromise as well. If not, the marriage is not starting off on a good foot.l
Keep in mind – getting married is much more than a ceremony and a honeymoon.
I had a mother-in-law similar to yours to-be and there is no easy answer to your problem. My ex-husband was very loyal to his mother as well, no matter how cruel she was to both of us. t was a nightmare and unless you are 100% sure that you are marrying the right person than don’t do it. It will end badly and even worse if you have children. His parents will never give up and who knows what lengths they will go to cause trouble for you and your man. If you are sure just be very careful all the time. But your man is right you can’t exclude them. Good luck
first of all,i suppose that u are younger.So when u had thinking to made a famaly allready now that can be evreything pink.All that really meters is that u and your girlfriend love eacheader now meter wat.It depends of u.if the problem is not fixed before the waidding u can t have a happy famaly.
first off, it’s absolutely ridiculous for them to kick you out of their home for not hugging someone goodbye. especially if nobody else was hugging and it was never mentioned. and in any situation, nobody has the right to force you to have any sort of physical contact with anyone else. you should have a talk with your soon to be mother in law. tell her how that made you feel. maybe there’s some kind of miscommication along the way. you should do everything you can to ensure that you have a good relationship with her, because no matter what she’s done (the terrible things you mentioned), she still is his mother. and he’ll always feel about her the way he feels now. i wouldn’t disclude her from your wedding. her son IS getting married, and by making her unwelcome there, you’ll start a lot of trouble. however, you have every right not to invite her to your home. you aren’t obligated to allow family in your home when they treat you badly. and your fiance should stand by you. explain to him how strongly you feel. if he plans to spend his life with you, he should take your side and stand up to his family. good luck, hun.
Two choices…depending on your situation:
1) Bring it out into the open – be a big person and say that you want to get it resolved and suggest a meeting of the involved parties to talk about it, and clear it up – but be humble and make sure that you show that you want to resolve thngs is the first priority. If they don’t agree then let it go – but it will be a good gauge of what they are about and how they may be in the future. Make sure the good ol’ step-father is involved as well. If they agree and you work it out it could smooth the path of the years ahead.
2) Ignore it – sometimes it’s better but you have to be the judge. I can tell you that often these situations get worse after marriage but that is your call. But the risk is that your husband will know that his family wasn’t there and that may be alot to carry around.
Bottom line – make sure your fiancee will have no deep-seeded issues with you and where you are at because that matters most and has the most implications for your future – I hate to say it but many times these family issues make a marriage miserable and you have to decide about it. Was Mom just stressed or are Mom and Step-Dad controlling? See what happens with meeting with them – you want to have them there believe me but if they can’t get over themselves??…
Be the big person and take the high road in any event – I’ll pray for all of you. God Bless.
Take a deep breath… go to church, or park or whatever and clear it out of you…. scream in the shower if you must.
Just invite her to the wedding….. and then go your seperate ways- with your mother inlaw that is. You don’t have to have her over your house but you should have her to the wedding….
I know that you probably feel horrible about what they did to you. Some people are always just looking for reasons not to like you. You kicking her out of your wedding would be like revenge for you getting kicked out of her house. Getting revenge isn’t the right thing to do. You should be really grateful that your fiance is a better person than his mother. It sounds like you have the same morals. You think it was wrong of her to sit and watch you get thrown out, and he can’t sit and watch his own mother get thrown out of the wedding. I’d like to tell you that doing that would be okay, because I’m sure that’s what you want to here. But, I think you should be the bigger person. Just don’t go out of your way to be nice. If you don’t want to take cheesy wedding photos with her that’s fine. But, it’s your fiance’s wedding too. No matter how horrible she is, she is his mother and he loves her. Don’t be angry with him, just appreciate his quality. He loves his family no matter what, and soon you will be his family. Just ignore her and don’t worry about her at the wedding. If you call off the wedding, you are just letting her win.You shouldn’t be worried about this stuff, you should be worried about what shoes to buy. Tell your fiance that you love him, and if he wants his mother at the wedding you understand, but make sure she stays out of your way. Your fiance will see you as being the bigger person and appreciate it I’m sure. If she confronts you just tell her you didn’t realize how upseting it was for her not to get affection from her, and it wasn’t intentional. If she doesn’t understand she is just a trouble maker. But, atleast you haven’t stooped to that level.
Maybe the father is that controlling and then the children were controlled and she cant say anything bcuz he might beat the shit out of her or somrthing like that! Maybe that’s why she didnt say anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh’ and another thing….it’s fine to have your say in ur wedding in all but let the hard feelings go and atleast let er come to the wedding u’d be glad you did in the long run! And let it go, ur starting a new life, so start a new relationship with the parents while ur at it!
There is going to be trouble if you marry this girl, marriage is all about mutual respect and love not one sided infatuation.it is a different issue that after marriage all that remains is differences and adjustments. ( 100% of the cases)
The family that treated you this way and your fiancee , if she was a party then my dear fellow theres more to come. You are a wise man. The head is always above the heart. put it in the reverse and you are upside down. the whole world is topsy turvy. desicions by heart is only in the movies and real life is far far away from it.
Take my advice in marriage let your parents decide. They are the best judge .
this is just my view , from what I read, you have to take the desicion and it is you whi has to bear the fruit it( your desicion ) yirlds. whatever desicion you take consult your parents at least ( they have seen life more than you) for marriage is no childs play it is a lifetime commitment, it is not about fun and romance but responsibilities and duties.
I dont blame you. if she had a problem or anyone for that matter they should have said something. to kick you out was very immature on their part and your fiance should be supporting you on it. I’m not saying its right to not include his mother in the wedding. no matter how much she has messed up, its still him mom and without her he wouldnt be here. I do however think that before she is invited they all owe you a big appology. I’m not close to my mother-in-law and my husband isnt close to her either. he hugs her if he sees her though…but I sure as heck dont and never would. I do his father, but never his mom. He needs to talk it out with his family and get this worked out before the wedding or else there are going to be some problems. I hope everything works out for you, but even if the wedding were cancelled, you arent really losing much if hes not supporting you.
It sounds like it’s important to your fiancee to have his mother there. No matter what you feel, she is his mother and always will be. It sounds like his step father has controlled and terroized his mom. She doesn’t want or is unwilling to leave her husband and that’s something everyone in the family has to realize. You and your fiancee can make it very clear that the invitation is for her and not her husband. She may not want to come without him. But I think you should at least invite her. After all, how would you feel if your fiancee said he didn’t want you to invite your mom?
Make sure your man’s mom comes to the wedding, and treat her with all the respect his mother deserves. Remember that you love him, and she raised him and that is all that counts. We are only hearing your sob story here – there is no way it could have been as simple as you didn’t hug her goodbye. You need to have a GOOD talk with your guy, and talk about all of these circumstances.
There is a song that talks about a wedding where it says, “It’s a good day to just let it go.” For this one day, just put your differences aside with your future mother in law, for your fiance’s sake. Don’t let anything ruin your day. Show that you are the bigger person in this situation, even though you’ve been treated wrongly by his family, show your fiance that you love him, and are willing to put all differences aside for your wedding. If you don’t, your future mother in law will remember that you didn’t invite her to the wedding for the rest of your life. And trust me, having a mother in law mad at you for a long time, is so much added stress to your relationship.
I AM SO IN YOUR SHOES!!! RIGHT NOW MYSELF AND MY MOTHER IN LAW DO NOT SEE EYE TO EYEAND IT WAS ALL BECAUSE I FAILED TO SAY GOOD BYE AFTER VISITING HER HOME ON CHRISTMAS LAST YEAR! SHE WAS NOT IN OUR WEDDING (CIVIL CEREMONY) SO I DID NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT HER SABOTAGING THAT! ALL I CAN SAY IS,IF YOUR FIANCEE IS NOT ACCEPTING YOU STAND ON THIS YOU HAVE TO ASK YOURSELF”IS HE JUST A MAMA’S BOY?” ASSUMING THAT THIS IS YOUR FIRST WEDDING IT SHOULD BE ALL AOUT YOU! IF YOU ARE NOT GETTING THE SUPPORT YOU NEED NOW, AS YOU PUT IT”LORD ONLY KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN LATER ON IN THE MARRIAGE!” I WISH YOU THE BEST AND I HOPE IT WORKS OUT!!!